Joyful Noise

                 It's been some time since I've actually felt the inspiration to write. A few days ago I was with a couple of guy freinds at the river. (We didn't go together, they showed up after I did) we were swimming, having a good time, and Mark said: "Hey, did you hear Russ went to jail? I told them that Glen had said he got arrested by the Red Lotus. So Mark told me the story...Russ, (My Phsyco stalker ex) had been laying out in the road near the Red Lotus Restaraunt when a family comeing back from Leavenworth saw him...with his weener hanging out... and called the cops, who arrested Russ and brought him back the next morning. They went on to tell me that he's crazy now. Something that I was aware of already, considering the fact that he comes to the library or fallows me into places, and also calls my house about 20 times a day...but lately, it's not just been the usual 'Wierd" stuff, He's been angry. I tell him to go away, and it makes him angry. Anyways, so then, Jesse told me that he was talking about killing Mom and Grandma, and saying that if he couldn't have me, no one could. Then Mark said he wasn't sure if the two things were related or not, but that he'd said he was going to try and purchase a gun with his social security check. It took a while to sink in, but then I began to imagine comeing home to find the walls painted with Mom and Grandma's brains, and imagining how a bullet would feel. When I told Mom and Wendy, we made plans to go get the pappers for the restraining order the next morning, something we were supposed to have done a week or so earlier, except I had forgot the Incident Report I got from the library at my sister's house. For some reason, When we arrived at the courthouse, Wendy did most of the talking, and the lady at the desk said we had to choose between a harrasment thing and a Domestic Violence restraining order, and she sounded...like there wasn't much hope of us proving our case. At that point, I was very flusterated, and felt like the court systom wasn't going to do antyhing to help, so why was I even there?

                     I can't describe what I was feeling. Hopeless and afraid, not ready for my family to die, and not ready for me to die ( I know I would go to heaven, but I just don't feel done with living yet) , but God was about to turn things around. After I e-mailed my pastor, I coulnd't delay longer. Wendy and I sat at the table and she handed me two statements to fill out. One about the most recent incident, and one about all prior incidents. And then she left. As I sat at the table, the feeling that had been knawing on me all day, got a thousand times worse. My limbs started feeling heavy, and it felt like every ounce of my energy was draining. My Grandma told me that I kept getting pailer and pailer. So I tried to tell her that I didn't feel right, but it was like, my brain and my mouth weren't beeing a very good team. I was having trouble speaking, like when I had my Hypoglycemic episodes. I didn't feel nausious, I just didn't feel right, I felt horribly wrong. So I told Mom and Grandma I needed a break and went to lay down.

                      When I got to my room I tried to fall asleep. I thought, Maybe I'm just really tired. I couldn't sleep. Instead, countless thoughts filled my mind, and the tears I'd been wanting to cry all day came. I wondered..." Why was I even born, If all that was going to happen, why would my heart would hurt for 23 years and all I would know was failure..just so I could get better..and then die..  what's the point God?" "Why did God help me to wrok through so much stuff so that I could die?" "Why would God tell me not to committ suicide, and make me want to live, so that I could die?" "How does God expect me to live without my family?" "It's all my fault." "The police don't care, the judge isn't going to care, they are just going to say that what he's been doing is perfectly lawful until he shoots us. " I want to be loved too, I don't want to be alone any more than Russ does, and I'd glady be his girlfreind, or whatever it is he wants, if he weren't such a nut job, WHAT THE HELL DOES HE WANT FROM ME?! " I felt like there was just this scream building up inside of me, so eventually, I realized I needed to pray...Amidst the "WHY GOD?" and "Help Me Jesus" And the pressing my face as hard as I could into the pillow on the floor, the first scripture popped into my head, and I still can't tell you how it got there, because all I could even imagine to think was all the bad stuff, I was SO overwhelmed. It was like the words sqeezed their way somehow in between the thoughts of fear- "No weapon formed against you shall prosper....He shall give His angels charge over you." God began to remind me that when I don't know How or what to pray, the spirit was there to pray with me and through me, so I prayed in my prayer language..And then I realized there was peace. Somehow..when all I could imagine or think of was a bullet in mine and my Mom and Grandma's heads, there was peace.

                      Last night, the night after I'd cried out to God, I spent five hours reading my Bible and seeking God, putting things into perspective. Here's part of what I wrote in my journal:

                                       This evening I spent time using the concordance in my Bible to find the scriptures that God gave to me yesterday. Isaiah 54:17 says: "No weapon formed against you shall prosper." I also read Psalm 91...

                                   V3) Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the perilous pestilance.

                                     v4) He  shall cover you with His feathers, And under His wings you shall take refuge. His truth shall be your sheild and buckler.

                                     V5) you shall not be afraid of terror by night, Nor of the arrow that flies by day,

                                      V6) Nor the the pestilance that walks in darkness, Nor of the destruction that lays waste and noonday.

                                       V7) A thousand may fall at your right hand; but it shall not come near you.

                                       V10) No evil shall befal you nor shall any plague come near your dwelling; For he shall give His angels charge over you, To keep you in all your ways.

When I got up from praying, and even as I lay here writing, I am full of Joy because of something God revealed to me- my burdens and troubles, my fears, all of the negative situations in my life, really ARE resongs to rejoice, Because they send me running, not walking, running to jesus, And wehn I run to HIm, and find myself in His pressence, And all that matters in the wrold is right there-if that's what it takes to drive me to that place of total surrender, and revelation of Gods' power to bust His way through the veil of emotions that is completely clouding my vission- than bring on the threats, and bring on the trials of life- it hurts to be brought to your knees, to collapse out of utter powerlessness and helplessness, but ALWAYS what I find in those times, is sweeter than any perfect set of circumstances- When Jesus himself says "Be Still" The waves of un-certainty have no choice but to comply. When I get up from that place of desperation- I realize I am stronger, God is making me stronger, he's purging me of weakness and doubt. I am stronger in my faith and my resolve to "fight the good fight of faith"  Romans 5:3 NKJV says: And not only that but we also glory in tribulation, knowing that tribulation produces perserverace; and perserverance character, and character, hope." James 1: 2-3 says "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of yoru faith producse patience...."

              I am believing that the dry season in my prayer life is over. my faith feels renewed and refreshed, and my burdens lifted. Thankyou Jesus! 

       Last night, after a very cold swim in the river,  Docia and I went to a candle party. As we were walking through the parkinglot to go back to D-Mae's car, I heard yelling..All of the words were jumbled together..there was a larger group of boys, yelling, and one was pretending to put a knife in his chest....Then I saw the little girl. She was standing on the other side of the street, her tiny shoulders trembling as she continued to scream: "SHUTT UP SHUTT UP!!!" Finally her head fell in defeat and she ran away. It broke me from the inside out. Docia asked me if I was ok, and I told her "Ya" because I just coudln't put it into words. Words couldn't express how much I wanted to run to that little girl and scoop her up into my arms, and tell her how beutifull she was. She was so skinny, and tiny. When I got home and got ready for bed, I prayed. I prayed on my knees with tears rolling down my face that she would grow up  to hold her head high. She belongs to Jesus. Weather she knows it or not.

This is The Series I'm currently reading..On the fourth book...YUMMY!!!

This is an AMAZING life changing book...It is a re-telling of the book of Hosea, and all I can say is WOW. Especially if you are a woman who's struggled to grasp how God can love you because of your past, it's a must read. This is going on my list of favorite books I have EVER read.  I'm almost done with it and I just got it last night...It's THAT GOOD. So if you want to borrow it from me when I'm finished, let me know!

          This is based on a journal entry I did on May Third:

This evening I believe God gave me a word for myself, and all of those within ear shot...or eyeshot  because I do more writing than speaking. :) Ask ME.  It's no secret that people are searching for answers right now, and even more than answers, they are searching for re-assurrence, asking: Are we going to make it? That depends. It depends on who your asking. Are you asking your checkbook? Are you asking Enron, or Capital Hill, or CNN or Nazdeck (Did I spell that right?)  Or are you asking God? God showed me that to seek first his kingdom, (See Matthew 6) Also includes asking HIM first.

           "One day, Isreal's new king ahaziah, fell through the latticework of an upper room at his palace in Samaria and was seriously injured. So he sent messengers to the temple of Baal-Zebub, the God of (ENRON) to ask weather he would recover.But the Angel of the Lord told Elijah, who was from Tishbe, "Go and confront the mesengers of the king of Samaria and ask them, "Is there no God in Isreal, why are you going to Baal-Zebub the god of Ekron to ask weather the king will recover?" ( 2 Kings 1:24)

              Let me re-phrase this:

               One day,  The Economy fell through the latticework of a bunch of stupidity at the White House in America, and was serously injured. So...He sent messengers to the temple of Enron, the god of people who don't know any better, to ask if he would recover. But the Angel of the Lord told the Church..."Go and confront the messengers of  the Economy and ask them, "Is there no God in America? Why are you going to (Insert your info source here) to ask weather the Economy, Weather YOU will recover?

                         The bottom line is this: Why ask God? Because you are going to like his answer and his prognosis better, and God is sending you Church.

"For God has not given us a Spirit of fear and timidity but of Power, love, and self dicipline." (2 Timothy 1:7 NLT)

" Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will gaurd your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6,7)

 I'm afraid to serve or try I'll just blow it again.

 " This meansthat anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! (Ephesians 5:17)

" ...but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking foward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and recieve the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us." (Phillippians 3:13, 14)

I'm afraid of what people will think...

"Obviously, I'm not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's Servant." (Galatians 1:10)

" We serve God weather people honor us or despise us, weather they slander us or praise us." (2 Corinthians 6:8)

" Feraing peole is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety." (Proverbs 29:25)

I'm afraid that I'm not going to make it...

" And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work untill it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." (Phillippians 1:6)

" If you listen to the commmands of the Lord your God that I am giving you today, and if you carefully obey them, the Lord will make you the head and not the tail, and you will always be on top and never at the bottom." (Deuteronomy 28:13)

" So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, suport, and strenthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation." ( 1 Peter 5:10)

                                     A couple of days ago, I was doing the questions in changes that heal..(The first chapter, because I'm starting over)

Q. Describe a time when you experienced a touch of grace and talk about how it  affected you.

A. Yesterday after (Junk) happened I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't wait any longer to ask for help. I went to my room, layed on my bed, and it was like the ceiling caved in on top of me. I didn't even have any tears to cry. My heart wanted to cry, but I couldn't cry even one tear. Everything, my soul, my eyes, throught, and even my chest felt dry and parched. All kinds of thoughts were going through my head..."I'm never going to get better...I've tried, and everytime I think it is getting better, I do something stupid. What's the use of trying? I'm not going to make it."  I got on my knees beside my bed but couldn't find the words to pray. I felt like I was going to explode. I gripped my sheets, and even bit them in flustration. I pounded my fist on my mattress in anger at myself and the situation. I managed to get out "Jesus...HELP ME." I was filled with this feeling like I just coudln't stand to be alone in that moment. I remember that I had already decided to ask Susan to talk, but I had planned to wait..Now I couldn't. So I went to the phone and dialed the number she gave me months ago. When she told me to go ahead and come over, I could already feel relief comeing. For lack of a better phrase, I spilled the beans in her and Terry's living room. They loved on me, and prayed with me, and I can honestly say that I had forgotten what that felt like. It had been two years since I'd asked for help like that, and I regret waiting so long, but better late then never..I was scared, but I knew that if I didn't take the risk and trust again, I really never would be better. Between what Jesus did, and their love, my hopelessness dissappeared. Sure, my mistakes hurt a lot...but I felt the hope again, and I haven't desired a man what so ever since. Yes, I had forgotten what it was like to trust, but when I looked into their faces, I remembered. Thanks guys. I love you.

                    On April 29th, I felt lead to make a list of some things that I'm thankfull for in my journal, and while doing that I actually felt my spirits lift...Thought I'd share the list.

1. Terry and Susan...If I had known how much it would help to ask for help and accountability I would have done it much sooner.

2. My church. (The Rock)

3. My family.

4. Jesus-The Truth

5. God's Word

6.God listens when I pray

7. Praise and Worship, the power of taking my focus of of my situation to focus on God's goodness

8. I'm never alone, even when i feel like it

9. God is my healer, and he IS healing me

10. I am a part of Christ's body, I have a purpouse

11. God has a plan

12. God is the same yesterday today and forever, he will never change

13. God chose me

14. God will never leave me or forsake me

15 God has enabled me to express myself through my writing, even when spoken words don't come easilly

16. God's Promises are True

17. He has replaced my mourning and sadness with the oil of joy

18. I'm God's daughter...I don't need to know where the other half of my DNA comes from, because I have His.

19. I have God's favor

20. Martha Munizzie.. MY FAVORITE Praise and Worship leader besides P.Mel (was actually listening to her while making this list)

21. When I confess my sins to God, he is faithful and just to forgive them

22. Nothing can seperate me from God's love

23. Joy is always available to me..It's a choice

24. I do not have to sit and be depressed

25. God has enabled me

26. He has given me everything I need to live a Holy life

27. My Pastors

28. God provided the finances for me to go to Medprep

29. God has helped me to take my mind off of men, which previously I COULD NOT do even though I tried very hard.

30. I had the strength to quit talking to Doug, which was hard because I really really liked him

31. Things that seemed impossibble now feel doable, because God is strengthening me

32. I am Thankful for this time with Jesus

33. "If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you says the Lord. I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes." (Jerimiah 29:13, 14)

34. Jesus forgives em no matter how many times I need to ask for it.

35. I have eyes to see, ears to hear, and a mouth to speak.

36. I have working arms and legs

37. My Grandma is still healthy

38. God does not ressent when I ask for wisdom, he gives it freely

39. God will continue to provide for me if I trust him and am faithful with what he gives

40. God knows my heart!! I don't have to prove anything to him, I can't fake anything. He knows what's inside of me, and knows what I need before I ask

41. I live in a free country where I can worship Him freely

42. Michele

43. I am thankful that my freind decided to listen to wise counsel and wait to get married

44. I am thankful that we are having a worship service tomorrow night.

45. God says I don't have to worry about tomorrow

46. Books

47. God has allowed me to have some really beutifull experiences in my life...I'm thankful for Maury and how he always brought out the best in me

48. Romans 8: 28

49: Sunshine

50. Faith

22. Nothing can seperate me from God's love...Ever

  Deleting contacts in phone, facebook...cancelled myspace account, and bagging some stuff up for one heck of a bonfire.