I'm beginning to like the challenges and the difficulties, and all of the negative junk surrounding me right now. I've never read my Bible on such a constant basis in my life. Everytime I get a second I find myself reaching for the Word, and even though my circumstances are looking a little bleek, for the most part, my mind is not. My fast begins in the morning, I haven't even started and I can already feel God moving. I remember on Sunday when Jeff asked us to reflect on where we were a year ago, but it didn't really hit me untill he mentioned something he'd preached at the beginning of the year...and they were words I hadn't been there to hear. I'm approaching my 23rd birthday. I'm feeling old. I'm feeling my clock ticking...but today in my quiet time I decided...It doesn't matter. My God in every way, even ways I don't know yet, can fill the void. It's ok that I'm single. It's ok that my hours are few at work next week and I don't know if it's permanant or not. It's ok. I was reading the story of Balak and Balaam, it's in Numbers if you want to look it up. And Baalam says something to the effect that even if he wanted to he couldn't prevent God's will. If I continue to be faithful to God in this season, I know that nothing and nobody can prevent God's will from comeing to pass in my life, and that's all that's important.
I checked out the Joyce Meyer Everyday Life Bible from the Library to see if it's something I really want. (Happy to report that my Mom ordered it for me for Christmas :-) Anyways I looked up Psalm 57 to see what it said in the Amplified version. My favorite section says:
"My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is steadfast and confident! I will sing and make melody. Awake, my glory (my inner self) awake harp and lyre I will awake right early (I will awaken the dawn) I will praise and give thanks to You, O Lord, among the peoples; I will sing praises to You among the nations. For Your mery and loving-kindness are great, reaching to the heavens, And your truth and faithfullness to the clouds. be exalted, O God, above the ehavens; let your glory be over all the earth. (Psalm 57:7-11)
And then I read this part that Joyce wrote:
In Psalm 57:7 we read about a heart that is not only fixed and steadfast, but also confident. I have discovered that staying confident at all times is vital to successful ministry and to an overcoming life. Even while I am in front of an audience teaching and ministering , the devil will try to introduce thoughts into my head to make moe lose confidence. For example there hae been times when if I noticed two or three people glance at their watches, the devil whispered to me, "They are so bored they can't wait to get out of here." If a couple of people got up and left to go to the restroom, the devil would say, "They are leaving because they don't like your preaching."
I know that when people are singing or leading worship it is not uncommon for the devil to tell them, "Nobody likes this. You picked the wrong music. You should have chosen a different song. Your voice sounds lousy. You are singing off-key," and on and on.
The mind is a battlefield, and the devil lies to us by putting wrong thoughts in our minds. he is constantly trying to steal our confidence. He does not want us to believe that we can hear from God or believe in the power of prayer. He does not want us to have any confidence concering the call on our lives or to be confident that we look nice, that we have any wisdom, or that we know anything at all. He wants us to go around feeling that we are failures. that is why we need to keep our hearts confident within us all the time. I have learned that we do not have to feel confident to be confident. we can be confident by faith because our confidence should be in Christ, not in ourselves. No matter how I feel, I still believe that I can do whatever I need to do through Christ, Who strengthens me. If we do not feel confident then we feel afraid, and I have learned at those times to "do it afraid."
We do not have to drag ourselves out of bed each day in fear or discouragement. Instead, we should get p every mourning prepared to keep Satan under our feet. how do we do that? We do it by confidnently declaring what the Word says about us, confessing scriptures such as "I am more than a conqueror through Jesus. I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me. I am triumphant in every situation because God always causes me to triumph" (See Romans 8: 37; Phillippians 4:13; 11 Corinthians 2:14) Speaking God's word not only cuases the devil to leave us alone, but it also strengthens our confidence-and confidence is essential if we are going to keep growing and keep going in God.
Don't Look Back
"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
Ecclesiastes 4 tells us there is a time for everything- a time to weep and a time to mourn; a time to laugh and a time to play. You'd be coldhearted and lacking compassion if you experienced loss and felt nothing. but after a while you must let go of what li8es behind and press foward. If you don't the past will destroy your future.
God said "Moses My servant is dead. So now arise (take his place), go over this Jordan, you and all this people into the land which I am giving to them, the Israelites. Every place upon which the sole of your foot shall tread, that have I given you, as I promised Moses" (Joshua 1:2-3). Like the children of Israel, God wants you to let go of the past and take new ground. Don't spend the rest of your life mourning something you have lost. Go foward and don't look back.
Oh My goodness! Last night I couldn't wait to tell everybody about this, and what I've learned from it. Last night I got a call as I was walking through the parking lot to work. It was Bianca. "are you almost here?! Maury's been crying."When I hung up the phone, I hurried as best I could over the ice and snow, carrying my vente salted caremal hot chocolate with two shots. When I arrived and dropped my purse Bianca drew my attention to the cocoa that had slopped out the straw whole. I don't like to use straws. I just sip out of the cup. Anyways, she laughed and said "Pannick much?" I through away the dirty lid, got out a mug and a straw and poured som hot chocolate in a cup for Maury and went into his room. I was greeted with that beutifull smile and a "Hi Sweetheart!" I sat in my usual chair, and he gladly took a sip of hot chocolate, and then he told me about "The men." The men that promised to take him home. I asked him who the men were. He said..."You wouldn't know them." But he was smialling, and looking over at the Christmas tree on top of his T.V. I realized what he was looking at, and said "eleven more days untill Christmas!" He looked back and me, smiled, and said, what do you want for Christmas? I told him just a peacefull Christmas with my family would be wonderfull. I let him know that I would be working Christmas day so I would get to spend time with him. And he said: "Well, I think I will be going home before then."
Later that evenning, I went to see Bianca again, and she told me:" Dude. I'm an atheist. But this is creeping me out. Maury told me about "the men" and I asked him were they were, and he said, "You just missed them, the just went out the door." And then came my opportunity:" God is going to smite me, I've been so bad!" When I think about it now, it seems funny, but last night I didn't laugh. I told Bianca firmly: "You can be all the atheist you want, but my God is loving, gracious, and mercifull. He's not an angry God, and he doesn't smite anyone. He waits very patiently." She looked at me wierd and said: "I was kidding." But I was not kidding. And I'm still not kidding. Maury is at peace. I can see it on his face. I know he's ready, and I know the "men" are re-assuring him. Dying is not Dying. Dying is going home. I've been thinking about how this really isn't home. This world we live in. And my Muary is ready to go home, and the angels are going to take him home! And I am feeling more happy for Maury now, then sorry for myself.
Last night was very emotionally difficult. I sat with my friend a long time near the end of my shift. He ate some Strawberry ice-cream for me, which made me happy because he didn't eat much dinner. I told him I love him. I do that a lot. And he said he loved me to. Then he said that it was important to have people who know you and love you next to you. I fought my urge to get emotional, and agreed. He's very quiet mostly so when he talks and says things that make sense it's an extra special treat. I had to smile when he asked if he could go sleep at his own house. Then he asked if he could come sleep at my place, and I told him that I would give anything to bring him home with me, but that he needed to sleep where he was tonight. And then he said something that compelled me. "you'll stay then won't you?" I wanted to stay. I ached to stay. At least untill he fell asleep. Even in the dimly lit room, I could see his eyes shining, and I knew that there were tears hiding in his wrinkles. People say I get too emotional. Kris even got flusterated with me one evening when I exitedly told her about how he'd tried to hold his own glass to take a drink. She told me: "Megan, He's 95-years-old. You need to let go." And then she turned and walked away, leaving my heart in my shoes. So anyways, I tried to tell my Mother I was going to stay at work a while untill Maury fell asleep and then I would walk home, and I tried to argue, but she kept telling me to get my ass in the car. Even though I'll be 23 in about a month, I can only argue with my mom for so long. There's something about that woman that makes me feel like a broken horse. I have to do what she says in the end, even when it makes me Angry enough to cuss and yell. Even when I'm angry, I'm just angry doing what she says, which in a way is a good thing. Because I can tell her no matter how hard I fight, not to let me do something, and she won't. Because there are things that as a fallower of Christ I don't want to do, but then in the moment I change my mind and I find myself going to do those things, but if Mom says I can't then I may be royally pissed but I don't do it. But last night it wasn't a good thing at all. And I was too exhausted to fight. We just rode hom in silence, and I heated up some left over mac and cheese and went to bed. I layed there thingking of Muary. I was tired. To tired to talk a whole lot to God, but I repented of my sins out loud and then continued to talk to him in my brain. I thought about death. I wondered if I really was wrong to dread loosing my freind, even though I know it's time. I wanted to read my Bible, but to re-iterate, I was tired. So I turned on my C.D. of the NIV Bible, and when it got to about the fourth or fifth chapter of Thessalonians it talked about how we shouldn't grieve like the ignorant for those who fall asleep. Something like that. Anyways, hearing that made me feel like God was at least hearing my hurt. I mean I know that he always does, but it's still good when he speaks in away that acknowledges a specific hurt, even if a lot of people think it's stupid. Even if I wonder and think it's stupid. Nothing in my heart is stupid to God. He cares about all of it. It also reminded me to limit my sadness because I know that he's going to be with Jesus, and it isn't the end. Not really.
Last night, I cried a long time for my dying freind. I'm trying not to be selfish, but I can't explain the love that I have in my heart for him, and I know that part of loveing him right now is being able to let go. He's confused a lot more lately. He asked me to call his wife on the phone and she's been gone for years. He asked me to put his shoes on so he could go to a meeting he had to be at in a half an hour. He used to be the vice principal of Snohomish High School. But I can't put his shoes on, and he can't go to any meetings because he's been bed ridden for a while. He even refused ice cream last night. He loves Ice cream. It's easy to get down. But he let me hold his hand. I asked him about his wife, and he told me she was "A good home maker." Her name was Carla. Last Sunday, I told him I'd had a good day, because I went to church and sang to Jesus..."I love Jesus" I told him. He got a grin on his face from ear to ear and said "me too." That definately makes letting go easier, knowing that my freind is going to be with Jesus. I don't know. When I sat beside him last night, something was just different. As sweet as all the moments we've had together have been, this was by far the sweetest. This sweet man, smile brighter than the sunshine, 95-years old, said: "You're a sweetheart. If I were a lot younger, I'd love you in a minute." I wanted to cry right there. No one ever has, or ever will, except for God himself, said anything so sweet to me. I'm going to miss him terribly.
After Church yesterday I texted my freind to talk about my decission to knock off the drinking etc, and it gave me an opportunity to share how greatful I was that Jesus still loved me, and was ready to catch me no matter how hard I fall, and just how gracious and mercifull Jesus is, that he doesn't want to beat on me even though he has every right to, and she didn't make fun of me or anything, and she still wants to be my freind. As I prepared to go to work I thought about what Pastor Jeff said about how people need us to be joyful and have an up-lifting countanance, It made me think of my residents and how I had been stupid to mope around them. The work day still started out shakey, but as the evening whent on, It got better and better. For instance, at the beginning of the night, I gave into temptation and had a smoke with Bianca, but later I through my pack of smokes away. I was a floater between the cottages last night, assisting the other care managers, and I had nothing to do, so Lefa in Alder asked me to go sit down and talk with the new resident, which I immidietly recognized as the opportunity that I'd been hoping for, to share a smile for a change. I mean, when I had my employee evaluation one of my biggest strengths was Joy in service, but the past couple of weeks I've been down. It really doesn't make sense when I think about it. I get down on myself about my weaknesses and by doing that I give up my strengths too. Later, a resident fell, and Lefa asked me to sit with her for a bit in her room after dinner. While we were sitting I saw a box for the NIV study bible on her t.v. stand. So I asked her about it, and she said her son had bought it for her, and read it to her a lot. I asked her if she would like me to read her something, because one of the comments she had made to me, was that she wanted to tell God to help her get up on her feet and not hit her head so much. :-) So I read Psalm 103 to her and then we talked about it. It was just like, God not only gave me opportunities to bless people last night, but he got me ticking again. It was almost like I was a watch that just needed a battery change, or more accurately just an attitude change, and my eyes were opened again to the things in my life that really make me tick, and get my heart beating for the things of God again. When Jean from Birch cottage came for her nightly visit with Christine and Phylis, she brought them necklaces with Christmas lights on them, and Christine put her's on her head and posed for me to take a picture, and all of a sudden, It was Christmas. I love Christmas trees. But it hadn't really been Christmas for me untill I saw those ladies laughing and twinkling with their lights around the kitchen table. They were so exited about their lights they went into Marie's room to show her. That's Christine in the picture up there, except you cants see the lights lit up.
Lately I've done so many things that I regret. Trying to drown flustrations and hurt I drank again. Barfed in J.R. Phinickeys parking lot on Friday night after having a jello shot, a double life-saver, two taco bell soft tacos and an order of Nacho's Bell Grande, and two Yager Bombs. All of it reminded me of life with Erik. The smells in particular. This morning, after hearing Pastor Jeff's message, I read an e-mail from a freind that recognized my tendency to self-destruct when I'm condemning myself.
Last night I prayed, after sleeping all day. I repented, and the tears came not from the repentence, but when It hit me straight in the face the depth of God's forgiveness, just exactly what kind of crap he forgives when he doesn't have to, and what kind of crap, if he weren't so loving and mercifull and gracious I would have to carry on my shoulders, How God had every right, no matter how sorry I was, to disown me. But I knew that he loved me, and wasn't disowning me, but was rejoicing in my comeing to him for the first time in a while, with all of my filth. I'm never going to please everybody. I know that now. I also know that I'm still human and every bit as capable of screwing up as anybody else, and only Jesus keeps me from complete destruction. When Pastor Jeff preached today, I was reminded of how my desire to pray for and with people is a good thing, not a negative thing even though it feels negative sometimes. That was one of my flustrations. I thought I had been doing well for a long time, and then I felt like I was getting to carried away, and I wondered if I really was doing what God wanted me to do, and then I became convinced that I was just kidding myself. Everything that I believed God had spoken to me or inspired me about or whatever just became a lie. And I fell apart. And then stuff happened with Martin, and ya, he was a jerk and he lied to me, and took advantage of me, but I let him do it. I made myself vulnerable and opened myself right up for that to happen. Litterally. It hurt a lot to know that I'd been used even though I knew I was responsible too. I began eating out of control, smoking, and then on frideay night I drank and smoked untill I was just out of control and completely without my mind, and it was like I took a step right back into my past with Erik. The bad part is, is that on Wednesday night, I left ATN thinking that I could go out an conquer the world after being prayed for and everything, and then I went to work the next day and made plans with a friend to go out!!!!!!!!!! God's forgiveness is powerfull, and I pray that I never, ever take that gift for granted. When I realized last night that I was forgiven from all I've done, Even though I've known about the blood and salvation for a long time, I don't think I've ever known it like that, or at least not in a while. When you really get it, God's love is dumbfounding. It's crazy. And I just want to thank him in every way that I possibly can, with dumbfounding crazy faith. I can never re-pay him for what he's done, but I can spend the rest of my life thanking him, because I know I don't deserve what he's given to me. Freedom. Healing. Restoration. But I have those things.
I worked a float shift last night, and Leefa asked me to do Maggie's shower. When I had her in her jammies and was putting her slippers on she smiled and said "I smell good!" I gave her a hug and a kiss, and I wondered what I'd do without her. It was a moment that reminded me that I'm still good for something, and just holding that hand, I felt more joy than I have in days. Maury was more talkative yesterday too. When I'm down in the dumps and things weigh on my shoulders, and it feels like giving a piggy back ride to an elephant, it's hard somethimes to be mindfull of all of the blessings in my life, but I really am SO blessed. For instance, I've never ever needed a dad more than after what happened with Martin, and when Pastor Bill gave me a hug and told me he loved me on Sunday it was like...I didn't even know how much I needed that. And I've been feeling really alone because of my trust issues and being afraid to go to people when I'm not doing so good, because I don't know, I'm just scared. And one of the contributers to how down I've been the past couple of weeks is I just felt so alone. But then Susan left a comment on my blog and told me to call her, and so I did, and while she prayed for me all I could do was cry, because I didn't feel alone for the first time in a long time. It helps to think about the things that your greatful for.
If anyone read the posts I just deleted, I'm sorry for my negative attitude and language. I'm flusterated and angry and hurt but that doesn't give me the right to talk that way. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I know that I'm partially to blame for the incident, I know that I've sinned and only have myself to blame for the condition of my heart right now. I'm going to go home and do some reading and praying and work on my attitude.
