Sorry to be so negative, but my stress level at the moment is huge...My job, my relationship with God, some confusion, everything is just feeling emotionally overwhelming right now.
As soon as I got up I had a bowl of Strawberry frosted Mini Wheats.
Well, I've been post-poning making this public, besides telling Michele. I've been having some episodes where I get really dizzy like I'm going to pass out, my limbs feel like rubber, and my speech gets slurred. Sometimes it's like I could fall asleep standing up. It's happened three times so far in the past month or so. I went to the doctors today and the doctor that I saw told me to eat better, (Im famous for skipping meals, for no reason other than I'm busy and don't think to eat) and that it sounds like I am Hypoglicimic...but if the symptoms persist we will do some blood work and possibly a cat scan, becuse the slurred speach is kinda wierd. The first time this happened, my mom asked me, Megan what the hell did you take? And I hadn't taken anything...I just couldn't even talk right or get the words out very good. I would have to make several attempts at saying the same word like I was stuttering. I don't do drugs anymore lol.So ya...I don't know what's going on, my Mom wants me to call the doctor back, My own doctor, and have her order blood work now. So, hopefully it will clear itself up if I eat some breakfast.
Ok, so for thanksgiving, the staff at sunrise is doing a Musical play of the wizard of Oz. Cheryl told me Jyl was going to have me do Glenda, but She's not so I don't have to worry about that..I'm really nervous about singing in front of people, but Dorothy (One of my residents in Birch) always comes out to the kitchen to sit with her coffee if she here's me singing. So even though I never planned on singing in front of people, I think I can make an exception for the residents. I'm counting on my love for them and my desire to glorify God to make me brave.
I went to answer a call light in Ceder cottage last night because Fae was busy. Turned out the resident had accidently sat on her cord (That you pull to make the buzzer go off and alert the care managers that you need assistence) Anyways, the risidents mentally challenged grandson was there with his care-giver. I shook all of the hands extended to me, and smiled as big as I could, intending to share the joy of the Lord, but garnering un-welcome attention in the process apparantly. The care-giver, Morris, a tall African (American with heavy accent?) asked me where he could go pray out of the way. He told me that he was Muslim and needed a place to lay his mat. I told him he would be out of the way on the back patio of the cottage, turned and left. As I left the building to go back to birch, I instinktively started praying in the Spirit under my breath, not trying to be overly religious, but as far as I was concerned, Sunrise Assisted Living was territory that I had claimed for Jesus! All paths lead to the summit my hind foot! Anyways, I gave it to God and continued on with my day. On my way back from alder that evening, I met Jimmy and Morris once again. Morris becan making polite conversation with me, and I have manners so I was polite back. Morris told me I was the most beutifull woman he'd ever seen. (Great) Well, I was flattered. My head started spinning. Jimmy found the whole sceptical quite amusing, clapping his hands when Morris asked me if we might "get aquinted." Oh Lord!!!! After all God's done for me, why is it that all it takes is "Your beutifull" for me to....give a MUSLIM my phone number, and in doing so, totally risk contaminating the ministry atmosphere that I go to great lengths to maintain, I am God's hands and feet, I'm there to love on people, and be a light, and offer hope, and that's it. I'm on God's buisness not monkey buisness. I am so greatful for the discernment, however late it came...I am greatful that God has made me afraid to be alone with a man. He wants to see me...I told him he'd be more than welcome to visit me at work (STUPID MEGSTER!!!) I thought we'd be safe there. He asked me if I could manage to get away for a few to take a ride in his car. What am I, some kind of kid, afraid to get in a man's car? I'm ashamed and greatful at the same time. But he has my number. And I have his. And I'm trying not to condemn myself. I have to tell him I'm not interested now. Not looking foward to it.
I'm reading "The Case for The Real Jesus"....And in the first part, the author is interviiewing this proffessor and they are talking about the Gnostic books....You know, the books the counsel of Nicea left out of the Bible...and one of the books I was reading about was the gospel of Peter LOL. You have to here this. It talks two angels comeing out of Jesus' tomb with "Heads reaching to the sky" Leading a third man, with a head above the clouds, and they are fallowed out by a TALKING CROSS. Gospel of Peter? More like the gospel of Mary Jane. I"M SO STOAKED because I only have to work untill 8:00 tonight, and that means I can come home and read read read without passing out lol. I've been on a reading binge lately. I payed my fine at the library so I can check out books again, rather than spending all of my money on them at the bookstore.
Dear Everybody who reads my blog and prays,
I hope some of you get to this before I get home. Minutes ago I was in the car with my 80-year-old Grandma. She asked me how my freind Maury was doing. I told her how he called me into his room so often last night, that I didn't know if I was going to get anything done. He is going through the dying process and hasn't been out of bed for weeks. She speculated: He's afraid to die alone. Then she started reminiscing about the events of a few years back...
Grandma and I were at home alone, Mom was in Washington D.C. nursing (Dong phone refferals and assesments) for the Red Cross after Huricane Katrina. Grandma got sick. Dehidrated. When Aunt Cheryl and I took her to the hospital her blood pressure was low. If we had waited any longer, she would have died. But she remembered feeling this sense of peace. She wasn't afraid. She said she was afraid to ask my Mom if that was perhaps a glimpse behind the curtain. She shared with me something she'd never shared with mom or anyone else before to the best of my knowledge...she was not feeling to good about dying. (Mind you at this moment she's healthier than a majority of women her age) because she didn't like to do things alone, and she knew that this was one thing that she would have to do alone. And I said: But Grandma: Jesus will be there. And she said: "I know, But I don't know him.....She said she'd gone to long in her life without knowing him to not be content with the way things are now. But I sensed in the atmoshere a softening. This time isn't like all the other times I've shared Jesus with my Grandma. This is the real deal. I can feel it. I told her about how Jesus loves her, and doesn't want her to have a vicarious relationship with him...That just because her mother and aunt knew him well, didn't mean that he didn't want to know her personally. We talked about how it was different from just saying the Lords prayer or going to mass, which she'd done as a child. Something is different about this time, like I said. For one thing,. I'm not worried about what I'm going to say, because I'm sensing that Jesus really wants to show himself to her, and give her a rebelation of how much he loves her, and wants her to know him. Know his character. Know that she is worthy, and that there are no pre-requsits aside from faith. Today is the day. I can feel it.
