I need prayer. I feel like something is just not right, but I don't know what. When I start falling asleep, I jolt myself awake, and it feels kind of like the hot burning you get when you wake up from a nightmare, because you muscles have been tense for long time, and I feel burning in my face. Like I said, it happens when I haven't even been fully asleep yet, it just happens right on the edge as I'm drifting into sleep. It feels like worry almost. But I don't know what about.
The fixed wireless connection in our house has messed up my sleeping scheduale, and prayer scheduale and all kinds of junk. So I'm putting it down for a week or more, except to check to see if Michele e-mailed me about dinner, or file for un-employment, so for anyone who reads my blog, I'll be back in a week.
1.) First, I have to make just enough money to pay for my tuition, scrubs, stethascope...and other stuff I need for the Medprep C.N.A training, So I'm going to just look for a simple temporary job...Nothing extravagent, just enough to make what I need for that...and for taking my written...I've been studdying the drivers manual...I've got a car to drive and everything, so I've been putting that off way to long.
2.) By the time I finish that (only 80 hours) I'll have one more thing to add to my resume'. My First choice for work after that is Providence Hospital. They are always looking for CNA's. If that doesn't work out, then my second choice is applying for Regency. ( Just a side note, despite my love for seniors, I don't see loosing my previous job as a negative thing, I believe that God is the one that closed that door. And I'm ok.
3) While I'm working in either a hospital or at regency, I will be applying for financial aid, and getting on the waiting list for R.N. training. After that...I DON'T KNOW YET. So pray for me. :-)
"Therefore since we are surrounded by such a gread cloud of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down especially the sin that so easilly trips us up. And let us run with endurrence the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith".( Hebrews 12,1-2)
There is nothing more that I want in this world than Jesus, There's NOTHING that I want more than his will. I want to go after him with everything I've got, regaurdless of past failures, past hurts, past rejections...One thing that Joyce Meyer says in Battlefield of the Mind, that I hold close to my heart in this season, and intend to for the rest of my life is: "Your past does not determine your future." In the book I'm currently reading " Knowing God Intamately" by...Joyce Meyer (Who else) Joyce reminds us that taking care of our inner life, will help us to gain power in our outer life. Jesus makes his home inside of us. When your looking for Jesus, don't reach out. Reach in.
Most of the things that I have to strip off right now, are things that go on in my heart and mind...Not so much as they used to. I'm getting better at catching myself in the beginning so that the thoughts don't continue to spiral out of control. The first thing I want to give up is my need for approval, or the thoughts that enter my mind sometimes..."Does this person approve of me?" "Is this person going to like what I'm wearing?" "Does this person like me, does that person like me?" What are they thinking while they are talking to me? Are they really saying what theyare thinking?" Insecurity. Insecurity slows me down. It does. I'm just taking an honest to goodness inventory of my inner life, and just so happen to be sharing it with whatever fraction of the world that reads my blog. It hasn't been as much of a problem as it used to be, not even close. I think that that's why I've been afraid to get close to people at church, and serve, because I'm doing ok now...but I have this fear that it will be harder for me to depend on Jesus for approval once I actually start reaching out to people again. Does that make sense? If I interact with people as little as possible, then I will have fewer opportunities to try and hyper-analize every single word, and facial expression...I think Isolating myself for a while was good, because I've really gotten to know and trust God more than ever. It's been like one giant quiet time...with some added mistakes, but still, I've taken the time to re-discover God again. I mean, what else is there to focus on when it's pretty much you and Jesus all time? I've learned that Jesus IS a firm foundation, he IS faithful, He is the freind that sticks closer than a brother, and now I feel him calling me to trust him for this new thing: Stepping out. A number of things could happen. A number of things are possible. I really don't know how people are going to react to me...I know they will love me, but will they LIKE me? Does it matter? I'm not hear to make a name for myself, I'm here to exalt the name above all names, so, again, Does it matter?
Jesus, help me to strip this thing off of me, so that I can run with endurence! I give you my insecurity, I give you my fear, you have not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. Devil, you come at me with sword, spear, and javelin....you come to me with a list of my failures, and reminders of my inadiquicies and weaknesses, you come to me reminding me of all the things I'll never be, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of Heaven's Armies, and I'm taking those souls to add to his kingdom, and you aren't going to stop me. I'm not hear to look good. I'm not here to look cute. I'm not here to make a good impression. I'm here to add to the Kingdom of God. I want more of you and less of me Jesus!
"Obviously, I'm not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant!" (Galatians 1:10)
I got a twitter today! Aren't I j just a social butterfly this week. :)
Last night before I prayed, I was reading through 1 Thessalonians and God gave me something to pray for my church:
"Finally, dear brothers and sisters, we urge you to live in a way that pleases God, as we have taught you. You live this way already, and we encourage you to do so even more." (1 Thessalonians 4:1)
V 9-10: But we don't need to write to you about the importance of loving each other, for God himself has taught you to love one another. Indeed you already show your love for all the believers, throughout Macedonia. Even so, dear brothers and sisters, we ure you to love them even more."
So this is what I'm praying:
Even more hands to the plow.
Even more obedience
Even more passion
Even more generosity
Even more Interceding for the saints
Even more Unity, and comeing together under the common cause
Even more willing vessels, and discovery of individual giftings
Even more support for our pastors, and rallying behind their vission
Even more understanding of authority
Even more intollerance for sin in our lives
Even more of the pressence of God...
I'm proud of The Rock Church. I'm proud of my pastors. I give glory to whom glory is do for the growth in my heart as well, but I am not content. I am not satisfied. I want EVEN MORE, because that's what Jesus wants from all of us. EVEN MORE, and I believe that The Rock Church is an EVEN MORE church. It's not an ok...we met our quota for the week, we can pat ourselves on the back and enjoy the fruit of our labors now. I don't think so. We rejoice in the accomplishments and the blessings of God, and then we start setting the stage and preparing for EVEN MORE.
I'm listeing to pastor Jeff's message from Sunday. If you want to hear it again it's on Knightrous....
I've been reading psalm 119 a ton recently...It's something that I've really been able to own, and it expresses the cry of my heart, to be a doer of God's word, to delight in his Word, to live, eat, breath, and yes, even sleep in the word. I am nightmare prone, so at night when I go to bed, I put my audio Bible c.d.s on repeat, so that even though I'm not aware of it, the Word is protecting my mind. Anyways, back to the Psalm...
I don't have a ton of time to write today, but I wanted to share some verses that I've written down, and pray through with my rhema card. It helps me to pray for others and myself. MY FAVORITE and the one I thought of a lot while Pastor Jeff was preaching thismorning was: V 71: "My suffering was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees." And everyone said: AMEN. That's why I read the word a lot, and do my utmost to be a doer and not just a hearer...I have experienced the suffering that comes from trying to live life without it. Here are some others:
v 5 "Oh, that my actions would consistantly reflect your decrees!
v 8 "Please don't give up on me! (PRAISE GOD THAT HE DIDN'T)
v 10 "Don't let me wander from you commands
v 18 Open my Eyes to see the wonderful truths in your instructions
v 25 I lie in the dust, revive me by your word.
v 28...encourage me by your word, keep me from lying to myself; give me the privelege of knowing your instructions.
v 36 Give me an eagerness for your laws, rather than a love for money! Turn my eyes fom worthless things, and give me life through your word.
v66-67 ...now teache me good judgement and knowledge. I used to wander off untll you disciplined me; bunt now I closely follow your word.
To: the Reluctant Witness with Love
Open wide your mouth, I’ll fill it.
Open wide your mouth and Spill it.
I’ve called you to the broken, Go! I’m not joke’n
The time for Resting is over. My message makes that father sober.
I chose you, you can’t escape, to share my love with that victim of rape.
How did you rob me? With your silence!
When you stood back and told me nope,
You robbed my precious hurting child of hope.
I’m tired of watching you sit idly by while the world goes to hell,
just because you’re more comfy in your shell.
Do you really need another sign, or maybe a slice of cheese with that wine?
Go tell your excuse to that woman who suffers from domestic abuse.
Open wide your mouth, I’ll fill it.
Open wide your mouth and spill it.
I feel like my body has been hit by a train. I Feel full of crap that doesn't need to be in my body, so I'm trying to flush it out by drinking a lot of water today. I don't know if I've got too much caffine in my systom or what. I was fasting from soda for a long time, so I missed it and then I started drinking coke... a lot of coke. And eating a lot. I feel burnt out and I'm not even doing a whole lot. I'm trying to quit smoking. I don't even know why I do it. It tastes like crap. It makes my chest hurt. I feel like I want to go back to bed, but then I would just lay there and think and not be able to sleep anyways. I quit taking my anti-depressents because I was doing so well I thought I didn't need them anymore. Maybe I should re-think that decission. I don't really have any good reasons to be depressed, if that's what I am. God is my source, what do I need all this junk for? I just need to de-junk this week. That's what I'm going to do. De-junk. I think I'll call Shelbert and see if she wants to go for a long walk on the trail, or mabe I'll just take Zoe and my ipod. Pray for me. I'm not sad or upset. My body just feels all junky.
