Megan's Blog

I am Smialing. :)

nobody@vox.com(Meg) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 22:49:17 -0800

Despite all of the BS...I am smialing. Because I am in love, and because I have a job, and because it's almost Christmas, but MOST OF ALL because I'm in L-O-V-E.

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Momentos

nobody@vox.com(Meg) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 19:20:30 -0800

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Aprill 6, 2009 Journal Entry

nobody@vox.com(Meg) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 21:56:04 -0800

I come before you knowing that I fell short today, but I believe that your grace is enought for me. Today father, the words out of my mouth did not glorify or encouratge. Today, profanity came out of my lips and I spoke about being "horny" with my cousin. I flirted with Men and accepted two phone numbers at the bus station. I didn not gaurd the gates of my mind at all today. Father, I pray that you would forgive me tonight and draw me God-draw me into your pressence. Dram me God, draw near to me as I draw near to you. You are my source for everything God-Novody can love me like you-nobody can fulfill my need for intamacy like you can. God, Father, I hunger for intamacy. I want to be held and loved-and I know that if I wuit looking for that in men-and seek you with all of my heart, we can have that inamate relationship. God, I want to grow in the knowledge of your son, Jesus, I want to grow in maturity. I want to live for you alone, to do your will-I don't want to be one of hthose people who crys out in the end : Lord, Lord!" Only to have Jesus say "Away I never new you!" Help me God. Purify my heart, break my heart for the lost, Father, Help me to crucify my flesh. I don't want to put the desires of my flesh above you God. God, I pray that you would strenthen me to pray to you with my lips-help me to abandon my lazy ways. God I love you. my world is in your hands right now. My heart is in your hand. hold me father-I come before you as a clean slate. Time to start over tommorrow-=your mercies are new every day. Thankyou God, Holy spirit I invite you to fill me once again with your peace, your joy, and your annointing. Make me a leader-make me your mouthpiece and your outstretched arms, your vessall of selfless love, your prayer warrior, brave and bold, an inercessor. That is what I want to be. I want to be a wise woman of God that always puts you first. Before I start this new endeavor at Medprep and for the rest of my life father God, I seek foirst your Kingdom. I can do nothing without you. Hosea 3:8 says: "She doesn't realize it was I who gave her everhything she has-the grain, the new wine,the olive oil; I even gave her silver and gold. But she gave all my gifts to Baal."

God, you gave me everything I have, you brought Leslie and Michele into my life, my church, my family...You gave me gifts and tallents,you have provided for me to go to medprep-Father, right now I lay all of those things down to acknowledge that none of that is more important than you God. I worship you God in the name of my sweet savior who gave his life on the cross and tore the veil that sepperated us God, I worship you with everyhthing that is inside of me-I lift up the name of Jesus right now-I believe your word and your promises-I believe ythat you gave your one and only Son Jesus to be the perfect , blameless sacrifice. Come now and bathe me in your pressence. Thankyou for your grace, Amazing, soverighn God=I believe tha tyou are able to revive and restore this nation and your people God-Restore us and burn away the dross, thake away those things that seperate us from you...Lord let nothing be hidden, but bring it all into the light. Show me what you see-show me what I need to confess to you-Heavenly ffather, Open my eyes to see and my ears to hear-Put a new song in my heart...bring back that joy that comes from being in close communion with you..Not even sleep, or eating is more important that you God. I remember when I was a teenager, and I would stay up real late, and worship you and you would touch me with your pressence as I lay with my face on the floor...restore those times Jesus-restore that hunger in me God. Lately God I have been putting rest before you, but God, I need you more than I need rest. I need you more that I need air to breathe. Let nothing and no one be above you Let it be liek when you first called me-only better....

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March 3, 2009 Journal Entry

nobody@vox.com(Meg) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 21:44:26 -0800

Heavenly Father,

Thankyou for today. Thankyou for giving me the opportunity to have Pastor Rose pray with me for my back. Thankyou that you are my healer and you are healing me. Father I pary in the name of Jesus that you owould help me to foucs right now. Thannkyou for terry and Susan. Thankyou for my pastors and for Mom and Grandma. thankyou for the good dinner we at at Paula and Chris' house lasnt night and for letting me chat with Paula, and how she said Grandma should be proud of me for comeing home, because it's the nicest thing she's said to me in a long time. Thankyou for that family time. Thankyou for giving me a fresh hunger for your word. pastor Jeff said today that in order to remain close to you, we have to always keep our salvation expirience new. Thankyou for his wisdom. I really feel like I'm one of the most blessed people in the world having Pastor Jeff and Melinda as my pastors. Thankyou Lord for the people of the Rock Church and how you are going to increase their faith through this message series about seeking you first. Father I just pray that you would speak to every heart and give them a great desire to give and renew a Spirit of generosity. Bless those father who sacrifice for your Kingdom in the comeing weeks. Father, I pray that youl would continue to add workers and laborors to the harvest God. Raise up Leaders God. I pray passion and grace over your body. Father I come against the Spirit of Fear in Jesus' name, father if there are any like me who are afraid, I bind that now. You have not given us the Spirit of Fear...God I pray that you would give me boldness, and a strong sense of morals and integrity. Keep me from stumbling. Help my actions to consistantly reflect your decrees, Help me not to wander from you commands, help me put others before myself, give me the heart of a servant, humble me God. Expand my understanding Father..Give me an eagerness for your laws rather than a love for money. Turn my eyes from worthless things-Porn,sex,ciggaretts,selfish gain...Momentary pleasures. Give me life Father God through your word...I believe that I will walk in freedom as I devote myself to your word right here God, I lay it all down, I want to be devoted to you above all esle and seek your face with all my heart. Your regulations and your truth God....All of my hoope is in you God. I trust you right now. I trust you to set my feet on a Rock so that they will never move again. I trust you to use me for your good plan and purpose to encourage...I just want to do your will and be used by you God. Give me a pure heart, I ask for a pure heart in Jesus'' name God. Guide my steps by your word God, so that every decission I make reflects truth and integrity and justice. God I pray that you would just help me to be a blessing to my church. Mature me God.Help me share your joy again God. I want people to see how joyful I am so they can ask me and I can tell them...Bring the joy back God. I pray this in the precious name of your son Jesus.

Amen

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Churches that Heal!

nobody@vox.com(Meg) — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 17:22:23 -0800

First of all, thankyou to everybody that's been praying for me, I am feeling much better today. :) The book that I'm currently reading "Churches that Heal", by Doug Murren, has impacted me greatly this week and I've got a lot of things on my heart as a result. I didn't recognize the author, so I was a little skeptical at first. While I was reading a couple nights ago, I also thought to myself, It's not the Church that is responsible for healing anyways...The title itself could be enough to discredit the whole book, just because Jesus is our healer, not the church. However, We, the Church, are responsible for creating environments condussive to healing, where God can move and do his work, we each have a part in creating that atmosphere where people can come and find healing in Christ. There are several reasons why I like this book, for example, I found it so encouraging that Pastor Doug talks about things that I see in my church, being essential for creating that environment, and things that have contributed to me finding my own healing. It confirmed in a whole differnt way, in a completely new person's perspective that not only am I in the right place for healing, but I'm in the right place to get to see others healed, and set free. It encourages me to take responsibility! And my favorite part of all so far, warns against the consumer mentality, which is often responsible for the turnover rates in our churches...People leave because they aren't getting their needs met instead of sacrificially giving of themselves for the common cause of Christ. Having said that, I think it's important to point out that obviously there are people who leave churches for valid reasons. I also found a Checklist that Pastor Doug goes through as a means of processing woundings in the church, which do to that fact that there is no perfect church, it's going to happen to all of us at some point and in varrying degrees.

One of the parts, as I said, that I have found greatly encouraging is actually a part where Doug talks about what hinders churches from becomeing healing environments, and in The Rock Church, I see the opposite of those things. Allow me to explain using parts of one of the checklists. A healing church has:

A willingness to grant a healthy anonymity to those who are in great pain.

When I first came back to the church, as is the case with many people who first come back to or first start attending church, I didn't nescessarilly want to be noticed or acknowledged. I kept to myself. I needed to ease my way back in, slowly and cautiously. I feel like during that time, love was always there, but people at the same time respected that need for space, no one pushed themselves or anything on me. People made it clear that they were glad I was there, no more and no less untill I was ready...I was good just the way I was.

A belief that the core of Christian faith is inner transformation before the "doing" and the outward behavior.

One of the the biblical principles that has always been highly emphasized in our Church is that it doesn't matter what kind of addictions, or heart issues you have. If you give your heart to Jesus, and seek him, He will change you, from the inside out.

The encouragement of women in leadership positions.

As a woman, this is exiting to me. The Rock Church has scores of women in leadership positions-we believe in our girls. :) There are tons of ladies that I have in my life to look up to, even though it was a process for me learning to trust again, it's always been encouraging to me to have that picture of what women of God can be.It's important for new believers and seasoned believers alike to have Godly examples that are women.

When schedualing meetings, families are taken into consideration, family time is encouraged and prioritized.

Family is a priority and The Rock. I love that! Moms and Dad's aren't asked to be so overly commited to church activities that it negates from spending time at home with the family.

Not majoring on minors- for example, abortion, politics, tongues, deliverance,- while forgetting key issues of love, joy, and peace.

I love that our pastors and leaders discourage standing on a corner with a sign; those charismatic protests aren't going to win anyone to Christ. We've got better things to do, like loveing that young women who is broken from her decission to have an abortion.

Community with other churches in town, not isolation.

The Rock Church values the body of Christ as a whole, recognizes that it's more than just one building, under one pastor..No matter where we disagree, our only chance of reaching the lost to our greatest capacity, the key to the churches success, will be found in it's unity, not it's devission.

Responsibilty! Each individual member of a church is responsible for setting the healing atmosphere, For loving and reaching out to the un-lovely, for not being embarassed by the poverty stricken homeless alchoholic, who needs a hug. I am thinking to myself: We need to smell with the nostrills of Christ, Jesus doesn't smell the alchohol in the skin, he smells a soul ripe for the picking, if we are hesitant to hold that person close, we need to do a heart check folks. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. Moving on:

"Is it the Pastor's fault if a church does not heal? Personally, I think the pastor's role is overstated. One of the great mistakes the church has made in the last century is to place an excessive ammount of importance on the role of pastor. The Pastor can preach great sermons and oversee the leading of great worship. He can keep a check on the climate and offer leadership when change is needed. But if a congregation itself is not creating a healthy environment -if believers are not seeking health for themselves and promoting healing for others-the toxic environment mitigates against all sermons a pastor can preach."

- Doug Murren

To be honest, I myself have contributed to a toxic environment by participating in gossip. I'm just being honest. It's one of the things I have to work on, and I would encourage each person to keep a check on it to. Words are powerful. Words can be healing. Words can be destructive. It's not just what's spoken from the pullpit that has an influence on hurting people, but what we allow to come out of our own mouths, I have a deep desire to be an encourager...Encouragement and gentleness, peacefull confrontation, all promote healing. Healing happens one person at a time. One word at a time. One act of love at a time. Those are things we all can do, no matter what leval of maturity we are at...It's not just the Pastor's job to encourage and exhort.

Keeping on the theme of taking responsibility, it is important that we do not give into, the American trend that is the consumer mentality. Last I checked, I wasn't attending The United Church of Burger King, where I'm entitled to have it my way, no pickeles Like it or not, no matter what church a person attends, they are going to experience pickles. There will always be pickles in the church. They aren't tasty, sometimes they are down right sour. Guesse what? Deal with it, and build your charachter, or run scared and dissapointed in search of something that will better suit your needs. I've been a consumer. I'll admitt to it. I've been un-fulfilled and missed opportunities as a result. In wake of my pastors "Dangerous Church" series, I've experienced great spiritual breakthrough, and I am determined to no longer be a consumer. Pastor Doug put it like this: "Consummers can't be desciples." I'm not going to walk away dissapointed if the Pastor doesn't serve up something tasty, or because for whatever reason, the programs in the church aren't meeting my needs. It's not about what I need, it's about what I am called to give sacrificially, it's about making sure that I do everything in my own power as an individual, to make sure that my church is equiped for what it is called to do. I love that. I love that God has given me the opportunity to set aside my past, or my worries about my own future, to give something, I love that he's given me something to give! We all have something to give, we who breath, and speak, who have hands and feet, I'm exited that I'm not a whore, I'm not a failure. I'm a vessal. I'm the mouthpiece of God, I'm his hands, and his outstreched arms to the people who still only see the whore and the failure when they look at themselves in the mirror! Imagine if every person in the church, who knew Jesus, picked up that truth and ran with it. Imagine if the church was emptied of it's consummer mentalities, because those same individuals recognized that they are not insignifigant, they play an absalutely vital role in seeing the multitudes healed, imagine if each person gave everything, imagine what that would do to the church. I love to think of that, and I love that it's possible.

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From my journal lastnight

nobody@vox.com(Meg) — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 19:34:53 -0800

1 When Ahab got home, he told Jezebel what Elijah had done and that he had slaughtered the prophets of Baal. 2 So Jezebel sent this message to Elijah: "May the gods also kill me if by this time tomorrow I have failed to take your life like those whom you killed." 3 Elijah was afraid and fled for his life. He went to Beersheba, a town in Judah, and he left his servant there. 4 Then he went on alone into the desert, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. "I have had enough, LORD," he said. "Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors." 5 Then he lay down and slept under the broom tree. But as he was sleeping, an angel touched him and told him, "Get up and eat!" 6 He looked around and saw some bread baked on hot stones and a jar of water! So he ate and drank and lay down again. 7 Then the angel of the LORD came again and touched him and said, "Get up and eat some more, for there is a long journey ahead of you." 8 So he got up and ate and drank, and the food gave him enough strength to travel forty days and forty nights to Mount Sinai, ^F78 the mountain of God. ( 1 Kings 19 1-8)

This past week I have been very tired. When I was reading my Bible this evening, I came accross the story of Elijah in 1 Kings chapter 19. Through Elijah's experience, God showed me how important it is to avoid burnout by caring for my body, eating, and resting when I need to. I also found this scripture in Proverbs 31:

"She girds herself with strength [spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for her God-given task.] and makes her arms strong and firm." (Proverbs 31:17)

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just a quickie. I know it hasn't been a week yet. :)

nobody@vox.com(Meg) — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 23:01:47 -0800

I need prayer. I feel like something is just not right, but I don't know what. When I start falling asleep, I jolt myself awake, and it feels kind of like the hot burning you get when you wake up from a nightmare, because you muscles have been tense for long time, and I feel burning in my face. Like I said, it happens when I haven't even been fully asleep yet, it just happens right on the edge as I'm drifting into sleep. It feels like worry almost. But I don't know what about.

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No more Comp for me!!!!

nobody@vox.com(Meg) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 23:24:42 -0800

The fixed wireless connection in our house has messed up my sleeping scheduale, and prayer scheduale and all kinds of junk. So I'm putting it down for a week or more, except to check to see if Michele e-mailed me about dinner, or file for un-employment, so for anyone who reads my blog, I'll be back in a week.

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Current Plans

nobody@vox.com(Meg) — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 19:55:11 -0800

1.) First, I have to make just enough money to pay for my tuition, scrubs, stethascope...and other stuff I need for the Medprep C.N.A training, So I'm going to just look for a simple temporary job...Nothing extravagent, just enough to make what I need for that...and for taking my written...I've been studdying the drivers manual...I've got a car to drive and everything, so I've been putting that off way to long.

2.) By the time I finish that (only 80 hours) I'll have one more thing to add to my resume'. My First choice for work after that is Providence Hospital. They are always looking for CNA's. If that doesn't work out, then my second choice is applying for Regency. ( Just a side note, despite my love for seniors, I don't see loosing my previous job as a negative thing, I believe that God is the one that closed that door. And I'm ok.

3) While I'm working in either a hospital or at regency, I will be applying for financial aid, and getting on the waiting list for R.N. training. After that...I DON'T KNOW YET. So pray for me. :-)

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Things that Slow me down

nobody@vox.com(Meg) — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 23:55:50 -0800

"Therefore since we are surrounded by such a gread cloud of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down especially the sin that so easilly trips us up. And let us run with endurrence the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith".( Hebrews 12,1-2)

There is nothing more that I want in this world than Jesus, There's NOTHING that I want more than his will. I want to go after him with everything I've got, regaurdless of past failures, past hurts, past rejections...One thing that Joyce Meyer says in Battlefield of the Mind, that I hold close to my heart in this season, and intend to for the rest of my life is: "Your past does not determine your future." In the book I'm currently reading " Knowing God Intamately" by...Joyce Meyer (Who else) Joyce reminds us that taking care of our inner life, will help us to gain power in our outer life. Jesus makes his home inside of us. When your looking for Jesus, don't reach out. Reach in.

Most of the things that I have to strip off right now, are things that go on in my heart and mind...Not so much as they used to. I'm getting better at catching myself in the beginning so that the thoughts don't continue to spiral out of control. The first thing I want to give up is my need for approval, or the thoughts that enter my mind sometimes..."Does this person approve of me?" "Is this person going to like what I'm wearing?" "Does this person like me, does that person like me?" What are they thinking while they are talking to me? Are they really saying what theyare thinking?" Insecurity. Insecurity slows me down. It does. I'm just taking an honest to goodness inventory of my inner life, and just so happen to be sharing it with whatever fraction of the world that reads my blog. It hasn't been as much of a problem as it used to be, not even close. I think that that's why I've been afraid to get close to people at church, and serve, because I'm doing ok now...but I have this fear that it will be harder for me to depend on Jesus for approval once I actually start reaching out to people again. Does that make sense? If I interact with people as little as possible, then I will have fewer opportunities to try and hyper-analize every single word, and facial expression...I think Isolating myself for a while was good, because I've really gotten to know and trust God more than ever. It's been like one giant quiet time...with some added mistakes, but still, I've taken the time to re-discover God again. I mean, what else is there to focus on when it's pretty much you and Jesus all time? I've learned that Jesus IS a firm foundation, he IS faithful, He is the freind that sticks closer than a brother, and now I feel him calling me to trust him for this new thing: Stepping out. A number of things could happen. A number of things are possible. I really don't know how people are going to react to me...I know they will love me, but will they LIKE me? Does it matter? I'm not hear to make a name for myself, I'm here to exalt the name above all names, so, again, Does it matter?

Jesus, help me to strip this thing off of me, so that I can run with endurence! I give you my insecurity, I give you my fear, you have not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. Devil, you come at me with sword, spear, and javelin....you come to me with a list of my failures, and reminders of my inadiquicies and weaknesses, you come to me reminding me of all the things I'll never be, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of Heaven's Armies, and I'm taking those souls to add to his kingdom, and you aren't going to stop me. I'm not hear to look good. I'm not here to look cute. I'm not here to make a good impression. I'm here to add to the Kingdom of God. I want more of you and less of me Jesus!

"Obviously, I'm not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant!" (Galatians 1:10)

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